A Commander's Worst Fear
by SurrieTheYaoiQueen
Summary: One night in the Naughty Ottsel, everyone shares their phobia...except for Torn. Now Daxter wants to figure out our favorite commander's fear! Warning, contains language and mild Jak/Torn


Surrie: Ne, I'm not giving up on my other stories….I just had this awesome Idea I needed down.

Torn: Another yaoi story?

Surrie: Nope….a comedy!

All J&D characters: (gasp)!

Surrie: Ah shut it, I write other things than yaoi…..ok….maybe it'll have a little shonen-ai ^_^

Warning: this is my first non M rated fic, SO NO SEX! ….well….maybe a little touching…..WISH ME LUCK!

Disclaimer: Surrie doesn't own anything but her fabulous brain!

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Once upon a time in haven city, our favorite characters were sitting around in the Naughty Ottsel having a party.

Daxter drank his third bottle and hiccupped, " Hey….y'know wha really scares me? Spiders….they are the-HIC- nastiest things ever." Tess hugged her boyfriend and shuddered, " I hate bugs too….and I'm terrified of bad hair days!" Jak put down his drink and said, " That's…uh…interesting Tess." He looked over at Jinx and asked, " Hey Jinx, what're you afraid of?" Jinx puffed on his cigar a bit more before looking away and shuddering slightly, " Fat people….mainly Krew….that guy creeped me out." He made a gagging sound as Sig groaned, " Ugh, I feel ya there,." Jinx looked at Sig and asked, " What 'bout you?" Sig raised an eyebrow and said, " I guess my greatest fear would be…squids."

Daxter suddenly started laughing, " SQUIDS?! HAHAHAA! You're afraid of a wittle squid?! Oh come on! I can't believe this!" He stopped laughing when Sig stomped over and gave Daxter the "evil eye". He growled, " Have you ever seen a Wasteland squid?" Daxter gulped and shook his head no. Sig smirked and said, " They are about the size of the palace…and those are the young ones." Daxter fainted promptly after that.

Jak held up his hands and laughed, " Ok Sig, stop scaring Dax, I've seen one of the squids and they aren't that big." Sig smirked and said, " I know…but its just so fun to mess with the rat." Keira looked around and clutched onto Ashelin's arm, " I'm scarred of metal heads…they are so mean-looking." She hugged her friend's arm as the redhead rolled her eyes but allowed her to hug her. Keira looked up at Ashelin and asked, " What about you?" The redheaded governess sighed and said, " Sagging….don't ask…." She glanced down at her large breasts and shuddered gently.

Jak took another drink and said, " I'm scared of Wumpbees." A snort next to him was heard and Jak turned to face the once who made the noise. Torn sat in a booth with his feet propped up on the table, " I find that hard to believe…the big brave hero is scarred of a little wumpbee?" Jak's face flamed red and he pouted, " WumpBEES….HUGE wumpbees."

Daxter revived and said, " Hey, everyone's stated their fears except you tattooed wonder…what's your biggest nightmare?" Torn scoffed, " I don't have a fear. Fear is for the weak." Jak laughed, " Come on Torn, everyone has a fear…we all said ours, so now you have to say yours." Torn narrowed his eyes and said, " I'm not afraid of anything." Daxter laughed, " Yakow shit! Everyone's scared of something! And you're no exception! Come on, what is it? Heights? Spiders? Fire? High gas prices?" Torn rolled his eyes and said, " I'm the commander of the guard…every fear of mine was beaten out of me during training."

Daxter, still unconvinced, stood on a table and shouted, " That's it! From this day forward, I am going to figure out what your secret fear is! And don't think I won't. I have mad detective skills and I'm not afraid to use them!"

Torn raised an eyebrow, then rolled his eyes again and chuckled, " Good luck Sherlock."

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That night, Jak returned to the hideout with Torn and let the tattooed man in first, " I really wish you'd tell me your phobia Tornie." He hugged his friend tightly and felt the older male loosen up a bit. Torn turned to face Jak and let his defenses fall a bit, " I told you, I'm not scared of anything." Jak smirked and said, " That's not what you said our first time." Torn raised a bare eyebrow and retorted, " I was not scared our first time." Jak giggled, " Oh yes you were! You told me you were…or rather…moaned-"

Torn swatted the back of the blonde's head and growled, " I never said any such thing!" The brunette stomped in the hideout and the blonde hero followed behind him. He didn't make it three feet inside the door before a snake dropped on Torn's shoulders. Jak screamed and jumped behind a cot while Torn reacted quickly by grabbing the snake by the back of its head and looking up at Daxter, who was sitting on top of the bunk bed with a pout on his face. Torn smirked and snickered, " Is this your idea of scary? Where I come from, we eat these things." He crushed the snake's head in his hand and tossed its corpse on the floor.

Daxter jumped down and followed Torn to his desk. He then lept up on it and challenged, " Oh yeah? Well wat about THIS!?" He held up a basket filled with diffent types of insects, all of them scattered over Torn's maps. Jak whimpered and climbed up to the top bunk, " DAXTER STOP IT!" the blonde hero cried. Torn raised an eyebrow and yawned, " We eat those too where I come from." Daxter made a gagging sound as the commander smirked and stretched his arms up, " Just give it up Daxter…the only thing you've managed to do tonight, is scare Jak out of his mind." He looked up at the cowering blonde and said, " Jak I'm going to bed, join me when you're done being a wuss."

The brunette turned and strode away into a different room that was his and Jak's bedroom. Jak grabbed a blaster and shot every bug he saw that was crawling on the floor. He only stopped when Torn threatened to shoot his manly bits if he made any more noise. Jak climbed down and said, " Just give it up dax….he's not gonna tell us, and there are millions of different things he could be afraid of." Daxter sat down and said, " Well we should eliminate the obvious things…hmm….I GOT IT! HE'S SCARED OF FLYING!" Jak raised a green brow and said, " Dax, he flies hellcats all the time…" Daxter's ears drooped, " Oh right…..I KNOW! HE'S SCARED OF HEIGHTS-no wait…hellcats go up in the sky…oh right….well, what is he afraid of?" Jak shrugged and suggested, " Fire maybe?"

Daxter shot up, " YES! THAT'S IT! HE'S SCARED OF FI-wait a second….he's done explosion jobs before….he can't be scared of that…." Jak rubbed his goatee in thought and asked, " Well…what about….thunderstorms? Lots of people used to be scared of that." Daxter snapped his fingers and gasped, " Great idea! There's supposed to be a really big storm tomorrow night! We can invite Torn over for a movie night and when the lights go out and thunder crashes, he'll be so scared!"

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The next day, during the thunderstorm…..

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"AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!"

Both Jak and daxter cuddled up against Torn as another flash of lightning hit and thunder boomed outside the hideout. Torn, sitting in a blue tank top and blue pajama pants, felt his non-existing eyebrow twitch in annoyance, " Calm down you brats….it's just a little storm." Jak, who wore his button-up yellow pajama shirt and blue pajama shorts, squeaked and hugged Torn tightly around the waist and burried his face against the other's chest as thunder rolled. Daxter curled up on Torn's lap and whimpered, " Make it stop!" Torn sighed and said, " Come on guys….focus on the movie now…" The blonde hero and the ottsel's attention was diverted for a moment, until the power went out and it was pitch black. Both heroes screamed and pressed harder against Torn, who groaned in pain and growled, " I think I am scared….scared that you two idiots are gonna squeeze my guts out through my mouth."

The two heroes ignored the commander's pleas and whimpered pitifully. Daxter sobbed, " How could this happen?! I just wanted to scare Torn! Not terrify myself!" Torn froze and he pushed the two idiots off of him, " WHAT?! You two only invited me over so you could try and scare me?" The two hung their heads and droned, " Sorry Torn." Torn narrowed his eyes and growled, " Oh it's too late for 'sorry Torn'; you're gonna get it!" He smirked evilly and hissed, " You want scary? I'll show ya scary!" A flash of lightning illuminated the room and showed Torn's demonic face as he advanced on the boys. Daxter and Jak held onto each other for dear life as they screamed when Torn grabbed them.

A few seconds later, the commander finally got Daxter in a chokehold and Jak in a leg lock. He growled as he squeezed both boys with the intent to kill. Jak chocked out from between Torn's thighs, " A-Ash-e-lin! H-HELP!"

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The next day...

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Jak rubbed his neck and winced as he pressed against the bruises forming on it. Daxter also had some dark marks on his furry neck from Torn's "assault" the other night. Daxter wheezed, " Ok….so he's obviously not afraid of thunderstorms." Jak nodded and said, " Damn….now I'm curious….what is he scared of?" The two thought for a moment before Jak gasped and said, " I know! I've never seen Torn swim before….maybe he's afraid of water?" Daxter smiled and shot up, " Yeah! I have an idea…"

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Later…

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" So, let me get this straight….you two want to take me….to the beach?" Torn leaned back against his desk and crossed his arms as he raised an eyebrow at the two smiling heroes. Jak was holding a bouquet of roses and Daxter held a box of dark chocolates (Torn's favorite candy). Jak smiled and said, " Yeah, We feel bad for last night, and wanna make it up to you." Torn sighed and said, " I appreciate the offer, but I have a lot of work to do now, thank you for dropping by." He turned and suddenly Jak grabbed the commander around the neck and shoved a rolled up bandana in his mouth. Daxter quickly crawled around Torn's waist and tied his arms behind his back with a thick rope. Jak tightened the rope and hoisted Torn over his shoulder.

Torn could barely process what happened, one minute he was standing there and the next he was gagged and tied up on Jak's shoulder. He started thrashing and kicking his legs as jak walked out of the hideout with the captured commander. Daxter was unfortunate enough to be climbing up Jak's back at the enact moment Torn's leg decided to flip up and knock the furry ottsel into a wall. Jak ignored Daxter and called out gleefully, " TO THE BEACH!"

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At the beach…

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Torn's dreads stuck to his neck as he broke through the surface of the water. He smiled at Daxter and Jak from his position inside the sea and called, " You guys were right…I really needed this." Torn dove back under the water and did a flip under it. Back on the sandy shore of the Spargus city beach, Jak and Daxter gloomily hung their heads. " I guess fear of water is out." The furry ottsel groaned. Jak scratched his head, " Who knew Torn used to be on the swim team in high school…" He blushed faintly as he watched Torn surface again and start wading up to the shore, his half nude body glistening and making Jak think very dirty thoughts.

The brunette walked up to the pair and asked, " Why aren't you two getting in the water?" Jak stood up and said, " We were just about to, right Dax?" Daxter nodded and ran to the water's edge. Jak followed shortly after alongside the soaked commander. As Torn started diving and swimming underwater, Daxter climbed up on Jak's shoulder and growled, " This is getting annoying! He has to be scared of something!" Jak shrugged and said, " I dunno….maybe….lurker sharks?" Daxter's eyes went wide then he smiled evilly. Jak saw the look in Daxter's eyes and turned pale, " Oh no….Dax, don't you dare….that's WAY too dangerous." Jak's pleas fell on deaf ears as Daxter waded over to Torn and challenged, " Hey dread-head," Torn whipped his head around and glared at the rat, " What do you want rodent?" Daxter just waded on his back and cooed, " Nothin….OMG! I'M DROWNING! I'M DROWNING!" Daxter started splashing around and clawed at Torn. The commander growled and tried to get Daxter away, " GET OFF ME! YOU WERE SWIMMING JUST FINE A SECOND AGO!" Daxter managed to cut Torn's arm and let it bleed into the water a little before swimming away as fast as he could.

Jak saw Daxter swim toward him with a smirk on his face and he paled, " What did you do?" he saw the blood on Daxter's paw and went completely white, " TORN!" jak swam towards the commander as fast as he could, but he was too late as a giant lurker shark surfaced and advanced upon Torn….then swim right past him. Jak stopped in the water and prepared to fight the lurker shark, but it passed him as well, heading right for Daxter. It was Daxter's turn to go pale now as he screamed and started swimming as fast as he could away from the shark, who targeted him for having Torn's blood on him. Jak couldn't help but laugh as daxter swam in circles with the shark following. Torn, who was extremely confused, swam up beside Jak and just watched Daxter get chased by the shark.

As the sun set, our favorite rodent screamed out loud enough for all of Spargus to hear, " CURSE YOU TOOOOOOOOORN!"

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" I GIVE UP!" A very wet Daxter (who now was missing fur on the end of his tail) flopped onto the Naughty Ottsel's bar counter and groaned disdainfully. Jak took a gulp of his drink and tried to cheer his friend up, " So you didn't figure out Torn's phobia…so what? He probably doesn't have one…there ARE some people like that ya'know." Tess, who just so happened to be wiping down the counter, looked up at Jak and said, " What are you talkin about? Of course Torn has a fear."

Daxter shot up and whined, " No he doesn't! I've thrown everything at him and he just doesn't get scared! If anything, I'm now afraid of thunderstorms, bugs, snakes, AND WATER!" He hugged Tess and groaned against her ottsel cleavage. The blonde ottsel blinked and said, " Well that's because Torn doesn't have a common fear. His fear is actually one of the most least-threatening things ever…" Daxter pulled back and grabbed her fore-arms, " YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S AFRAID OF?!" Tess nodded. Daxter grinned and begged, " Please tell me!" Tess smiled and said, " Weeelll….he's scared to death of-" she whispered into her boyfriend's ear as the Orange Lightning's grin steadily grew.

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Some time later….

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The entire gang once again sat in the naughty ottsel. Sig was conversing behind the counter with Tess and Jinx, Ashelin and Keira were sitting in a booth, and Jak sat on a stool with his arm lazily around his boyfriend's shoulders. Dax was nowhere to be found. Torn raised an eyebrow and asked, " Where's the annoying rat?" Jak shrugged and took a sip of his drink. Suddenly, as if on cue, the door to the Naughty Ottsel flashed open to reveal a smirking ottsel, hiding something behind his back. Not paying any attention to the stares everyone gave him, he strolled over to the Auburn haired commander, and with a gleam in his eyes he laughed, " I know your secret Tattooed blunder! I, using my awesome detective skills, have found out your secret fear!" Without another word, he climbed up on a table and held out the item behind his back, holding it towards Torn menacingly. Torn's eyes went wide and he let out a small, high-pitched scream that was so quiet, it was more like a gasp.

Daxter laughed like a madman and Torn hid behind Jak. Everyone in the room was either in disbelief with their jaw to the floor, or trying not to laugh. Jak raised an eyebrow and said, " Are you serious?! Come on Torn…it's just-"

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-We'll get back to our story after this commercial break!-

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Surrie: Ever has one of those days where you just can't seem to stop running into things on your zoomer?

(camera flips to Jak)

Jak: ( reading a piece of paper) I . hate . those . days.

(camera flips to Surrie)

Surrie: What about those traffic jams?

Torn: (squinting at a piece of paper) Those. make. me. feel. very. mad.

Surrie: Don't you wish there was some great invention that made all those go away? Well do we have news for you! Introducing…Zoomer bumps! The best crash preventing accessories in the world. These air filled sacks will attack to the sides of your zoomer like magic and prevent you from crashing or getting too close to other zoomers! Now, my lovely assistants will demonstrate.-

Jak: Um Surrie, I'm not so sure about-

Surrie: Notice that Jak is sitting on a zoomer that is not protected by Zoomer bumps…

Jak: (looks around) Um…what's the point of-

Surrie: Now, my other assistant, Torn will pull that lever which will send a giant hammer crashing into Jak!

Jak: Wait WHAT?!

Torn: (smirks and pulls lever) I've always wanted to do this….too bad you aren't Daxter.

( A giant novelty hammer comes swinging forward and destroys the zoomer, sending Jak flying into a wall in the process)

Surrie: Ouch…that looked painful.

Jak: (painfully)…it….was….

Surrie: Now lets move on to what would happen if you were protected by Zoomer bumps.

( A second zoomer is placed and giant whoopee cushions are placed around it by underpaid child workers)

Surrie: Ok Jak…get back on the zoomer.

Jak: No effin way! I'm not stupid, lady!

Surrie: Oh come on! I promise the hammer won't destroy the zoomer this time.

Jak: (skeptically) ok….I'm trusting you…(gets on the zoomer)

Surrie: Lets see what happens in the same scenario with a zoomer protected by zoomer bumps.

(The novelty hammer swings again, this time only hitting Jak, sending him flying into the same wall as before. The zoomer stays unharmed and unmoving)

Surrie: TA-DA! It works! Not a single scratch!

Jak: (shakily raises up a hand and groans in pain) Ugh….I thought…you said…I wouldn't get hit…

Surrie: Nooooo…I said the ZOOMER wouldn't get hit. You need to learn to listen better.

Torn: No, he needs to learn not to trust you. Can we get back to the story before the fans break through the blockade we set up?

( screams of rage and pounding sounds echo from behind a closed door in the back of the studio)

Surrie: Huh…good idea. Well, back to the story! And remember, buy your set of zoomer bumps for 4 small payments of 19.95 (plus shipping and handling) at 1800-695-HAVbumps…that's 1800-695-HAVbumps. Call and get your order today…or not.

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-We now return you to your previously scheduled fan fiction-

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Daxter laughed like a madman and Torn hid behind Jak. Everyone in the room was either in disbelief with their jaw to the floor, or trying not to laugh. Jak raised an eyebrow and said, " Are you serious?! Come on Torn…it's just-"

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!

"-a bowl of Jell-O!" Jak pointed to the jiggling green cubes that Daxter held up so proudly. Torn peeked out his head long enough to squeak, " EXACTLY! It's Jell-O! GREEN Jell-O! ARG! I can't stand the sight of th-tha-that DEATH GOO!" Daxter smirked triumphantly and laughed, " That's right! Behold! Your worst nightmare! Fear the Jell-O! FEAR IT!" With a squeak and a small scream, the commander's eyes rolled back into his head, and he went careening to the floor in a dead faint.

Daxter's eyes went as wide as saucers and he set the bowl down as he jumped up and down, " YES! I DID IT! I FIGURED OUT TORN'S SECRET FEAR! ORANGE LIGHTNING STRIKES AGAIN! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" With that said, the ottsel jumped off the table and ran into the back room, dragging Tess behind him, to gloat about his victory.

Jak kneeled down beside the fallen commander and poked him gently, " Um…Torn….you ok?" The icy blue eyes opened and Torn slowly lifted himself up off the ground. " Owww…my head." The brunette rubbed his temples with his index fingers and wobbled a bit. Jak, looking very concerned, gripped Torn's forearms gently and steadied him, " You ok? Maybe you should lie down?" Torn shook his head, " Nah…I-I just need some fresh air." He gently shrugged Jak's hands off and walked past the table to the front door of the naughty ottsel. As the doors swished close behind the commander, the rest of the group returned to their conversations. Sig shook his head, " Man…I don't believe it….the cherry is actually afraid of a dessert." Jinx puffed on his cigar and laughed, " Hehe…wonder how that fear started…did he have a dream where Jell-O attacked him or something?"

Keira raised an eyebrow and looked at the table, " Um…speaking of the Jell-O…" Everyone paused and simultaneously looked at the table where the bowl of Jell-O WAS sitting. Ashelin gasped, " It's gone?" Jinx pulled his cigar from his mouth and piped, " Where the hell did it go?!" Jak narrowed his eyes and sighed, " I think I know…"

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-outside the Ottsel-

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The current commander faced an alley wall and seemed to be eating something. He constantly looked left and right to make sure no one was watching before he dug his fingers into the contents of a bowl and scooped it out.

" I fuckin knew it…"

Torn jumped in surprise and slowly turned around with his index finger in his mouth and his other hand gripping onto the bowl of green Jell-O. His eyes widened when he saw Jak leaning against a wall behind him with a reprimanding look on his face. Torn, looking like a kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, slowly pulled the finger from his mouth and swallowed the small amount of Jell-O inside it before saying, " I guess I've got some explaining to do." Jak raised a green brow and scolded, " You're not afraid of Jell-O. You lied to Daxter!" Torn huffed and muttered, " Serves him right for doing all that stuff to me." He scooped some more Jell-O up and popped it in his mouth before continuing, " I was getting a little tired of him trying to figure out my fear, so I asked Tess to give him some…false information…granted I can never be seen eating Jell-O again…but it was worth it."

Jak pouted and walked up to Torn with a sad look on his face, " Why won't you tell me your fear? I thought we were friends." Torn scrunched up his face slightly and said, " We are…we're more than friends." " Then why won't you tell me your fear?" Jak whined, " I really wanna know." Torn sighed in defeat and replied, " Alright…if you want to know that badly, I'll tell you…I'm afraid of….ch…..cha…..cha-" After stuttering, Torn leaned forward and whispered the word into Jak's ear. As the word was received and the hero processed what he was just told he pulled away with wide eyes and yelled, " WHAT?! YOU'RE AFRAID OF CHAIRS?!"

"SHHHHH!" Torn clamped his hand over Jak's mouth and whimpered, " Don't say that word out loud!" Jak started laughing and clutched his stomach as waves of laughter erupted from him. The commander became flustered and growled, " yeah yeah, I know it's stupid! But I have my reasons." Jak caught his breath and straightened himself before asking, " So…so that's why you never sit in chairs!" Torn nodded, " Yup." Jak scratched his head and said in a confused voice, " But….you sit on stools and booths." Torn sighed, " Those are different…I can't sit in CHAIRS. Did you ever wonder why I didn't sit down in one of the many empty chairs when we met Rayne during the whole poison racing fiasco?" Jak blinked then murmured, " Oh yeah…heh….guess you really are scared of chairs."

Torn nodded and said, " Yup, and if you tell the rat, I'll ring your neck." Jak smirked and cooed, " Your word is my command…but you're not scared about being tied up, are you?" The hero's leering expression make the poor commander realize that he was due for a very loooooong night.

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Surrie: Yay! Its done! This is an apology for putting my main story, The darkness inside of me, on hiatus. I'll do that story sometime later, but for now, have a nice little comedy.

Torn: Please review and favorite if you liked this story.

Jak: Add Surrie to your authors list if you like her.

Daxter: And don't forget…

Surrie: I LOVE YOU ALL! See ya!

EDIT: I went through and changed a few things. Just wording and grammer...no biggie. Enjoy!


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